GomzyOnline

Source – E Mail Forward

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that here are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, and then spoke. “Watson, you ass someone has stolen our tent!”

Source – Email Forward

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your clothes .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. “
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some ! it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Source – Email Forward

This is from an actual trial in the UK:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing………………

She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement, which read:

‘Coming Soon : The Gold Dust Twins’.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read:

‘William’s Stick Did The Trick’.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:

‘Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.’

The case was dismissed………!!!!!!!!

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

- Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

- Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

- Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

- Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people.

- Anonymous

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

- Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise .

- Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3 a can. That’s almost $21 in dog money.

- Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

- Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

- Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

- Roger Caras

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

- Phil Pastoret

Source: Email Forward

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.

A representative from India began: ‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named. When Rishi Kashyap struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, ‘What a good opportunity to have a bath.’ He took off his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and in support of Pakistan, he shouted, ‘What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren’t there then.’

The Indian representative smiled and said, ‘And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.’